Humor: How to give a cat a pill

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did reading it. The photos and text came to me in an email, author and photographers unknown.

Swine Flu Paranoia

I find this to be quite amusing.

Swine Flu Paranoia... artist unknown.

How I defended science, and saved the day

There I was, reading my morning list of blogs, using the "open in tabs" feature of FireFox, when I got to the BoingBoing entry titled Eat Less, Breath More, Lose Weight. It was an excerpt of an article by Richard A. Muller, entitled The Physics of Gluttony which I repeat here:

Let me address this issue by invoking another physics principle: conservation of mass. More specifically, let me talk about the conservation of carbon atoms. When you digest food, its carbon atoms enter your blood. Unless they are expelled from your body, they add to your weight. But here is the salient observation: the only effective way your body has to get rid of digested carbon is to combine it with oxygen to form carbon dioxide, and then expel it through your lungs. Unless you breathe out the carbon, you gain weight.



Here are some numbers, taken from books on exercise physiology. Fat, protein, and sugar all contain about 0.1 gram of carbon per food calorie consumed. So if you digest 2,000 calories of food (a typical daily diet for adults) then you take in about 200 grams of carbon. At rest, each breath exhales about 0.5 liter of air containing about 1 percent carbon, for about five milligrams per breath. After a day at 12 breaths per minute, you get rid of about 120 grams of carbon. That’s less than you ate, so you’ll gain weight.

The gross scale of oversimplification was immediately apparent to me, and had me in a tizzy!

The concept was simple, too simple. While simplifcations like this have appeal to the masses, but are dangerous, especially when they are as wrong as this one. I couldn't let something like this go unchecked. I immediately mobilized my forces, and put on my superblogger cape to defend science!

I immediately started to Google around to build a response. My first, and correct, suspicion was that Urea, a major component of urine, was an organic compound. Since all organic compounds, by definition, contain carbon, I knew I was safe. I then proceeded to fill in the details. I started to work on the other end of things. I followed the trail to feces, which has a very high carbon content as well.

Still, it seemed that it might actually be satire... and I had to be sure. I followed the links back a few more steps, and actually read the original article, quickly calmed down when he stated:

This month I want to talk about diet and exercise for weight loss, and I'm going to oversimplify on purpose. Consider a spherical physicist….

so... it was intended as satire after all... whew! Time to put the superblogger cape away, and calm back down!

So, instead of my saving humanity, you instead get a view of the thought processes of a middle aged self described "technologist" living in the midwest. I'm very glad I edited this thing before I posted, and I'm sure you, gentle reader, are as well. Thanks for following me on my morning adventure. Join me at another time when I race off to type a blog and save humanity. 8)

Via BoingBoing, and MIT Technology Review and this blog.