Friday, April 16, 2010

Humor: How to give a cat a pill

How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.


Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.


Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.


Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.


Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.


Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.


Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.


Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.


Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.


2. Toss it in the air.


I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did reading it. The photos and text came to me in an email, author and photographers unknown.


-K- said...

I enjoyed this and I like your sentiment/motto about leaving the world better than it was.

Allison said...

hysterical! the photos really added to the hilarity!

Elegia said...

I think the original of this came from Terry Pratchett's book, The Unadulterated Cat, though it has been expanded upon somewhat.

Always brings tears to my eyes as I laugh harder & harder. Can only truly be appreciated if you are a cat owner.

Anonymous said...

I agree, the photos reall make it. Going through all this at the moment. All sooooooooooo....... true!!

Bruce Corneil said...

I agree. The photos really add to this. Going through all this at the moment, following a $528 vet bill

Anonymous said... one 'owns' a cat, they own You!....cheered up a bad day for dogs, they're so easy, peanut butter also works, probably not for cat unless you want to make sure its mouth sticks ...Lynda

Anonymous said...

Cats are impossible. Dogs are much easier. Just put the pill/pills in cat food and VOILA! They are eaten... JeanM

Philomena Ewing said...

Fabulous and so true and the images are wonderful.
Thanks for bringing these chuckles today.